Friday, November 5

LOVE letter

have been blaming myself
for not paying tribute to your memory enough since you're gone
for my unwillingness to accept your absence that for me IT IS NOT as such
for my forced distance to the phisical reality
for not crying over in public
for my uncapability to share my feelings with anybody else

have been finding relief in
your smiling picture by my wall, your lively smile by my heart
your plenty presents around, gathered over days months years
your many written & unwritten messages along the way of our friendship
listening to some favourite songs of yours
flicking through our pics' folders
sobbing on my own in unespected occasions
repeating myself all the wise principles you thought me over and over
putting more energy in daily life "routine"

writing to you in this precise moment like in many other ones I would have liked to but I put aside my feeling for shame and covered by other emotions' overlaps

life is fine here on earth, so far so good ;-)
new job - as i told you weeks before you left - just to give myself some fresh air, needed for a change both in professional & private life - remember that last conversation of ours?
goes up and down, sometimes I get bored sometimes I get busy and cope with time passing by in a smooth way
personal projects going better, I got stuck partly since I missed your encouragement I guess, partly because of (kind of unespected) overwhelming feelings along my path
no complains, anyhow - something is moving, slowly but moving, I am confident I will make it...
my flat is doing well, it also misses you a lot but my only plant is still alive (mummy keeps on shouting over the phone that it was definitely better when you were taking care of it)
my friends are there, helped a lot after february to keep me company and the closest ones even wiped some drops of mine away - thanking them will never be enough but still...
a dearest old friend of mine is back to my life, we never got lost actually
Polly Pocket - that shared with me your departure until the very end - is nowadays my "sister in spirit" n°1, after some turbolences due to your missing "bridge", we are happily quite in balance and geographical distance does not bother our connection critically
I would say she would say
one thing you must be absolutely proud of me : "criceti" have been slowly disappearing from my theather, most probably they got bored of my emotional restlessness (can't blame them), so fun is over ;-) (untrue)
great news!!! Beloved n°1 is getting married to a lovely girl next year, I met her, despite other people disbelief we are going to prove once again that affection keeps alive lifelong notwithstanding whatever
well, Beloved n°2 seems to be around the world looking for himself, no contacts anymore (as per your kind suggestion), frankly would not mind to see him again for merely aesthetical reasons...nunca se sabe!
Beloved n°3 grasped a lot about me, ego-fights were quite regular as far as we were exposed to each other, but at the same time he got both my heart & my mind naked - I must admit I kept against all odds and despite your disapproval - believe me it was deeply worth
meanwhile, followed your advice to get somebody close, somebody mind-set as you were - and I do believe we are slowly trying to go beyond some shyness and doubts and whatever it comes along the way - and possibly enjoying life without burning too many neurons - gives me good positive energy - must be the deep blue...
what else? planning some trip as usual...maybe back to Sevilla soon remember our rhythm of eating pulpo a la gallega - sleeping - eating again - listening to flamenco?
you had kilos of pulpo (& I had chipirones in the night)
people that were (kind of) close to you tried to get close to me but maybe I was too honest to them when I faced them your last months - I simply used my words, you know me, anyways does not matter so much in the end

I do miss you for every single step I take
but at the same time you are with me - always - since what we were is untouched
please, do not blame me now since I share my pain with my "public"
I DO LOVE YOU, still

3 comments:

Marco said...

bellissima! very touching!

tears are falling... thanks!

Candy said...

...

vitalbina said...

for those who don't know
for those who didn't get it
for those who may still wonder whom this letter is addressed to
for you to understand,
on 02/02/2010 Irene was late